Start Beating Your Kids

If you want to help your children, I recommend poverty, divorce, and child abuse -- but just for their own good.

"Yes Ossifer, I'm an abusive parent. I beat my wife and kids daily, I quit work to provide my family with a poverty-stricken existence, and I intend to desert them ASAP. But I'm not a bad person. I'm doing it for their own protection.

Someday, through no fault of his own, my son may fall in with bad companions, join an international terrorist conspiracy, and be found guilty of an historic mass killing for which he faces the death penalty. If I treat him properly and responsibly now, he may well receive the death penalty but if I abuse him, he has a good shot at life imprisonment.

What else could a responsible parent do?

Where's my belt?"